Winter Colds
by Midna Hytwilian
Summary: Watch as I have to take care of cold-infected Vaati, Nayru, Veran, Ganondorf, Zant, Midna, Malon, Skull Kid, Dark Link, Shadow Link, Link, Zelda, and Impa. Dear god, I seriously need to kill someone! Oneshot, crackfic. Funny


Disclaimer: I own next to nothing.

A/N: Based/Inspired by IheartJohnnyD's "Bloddy Stupid Cold". If you like Johnny Depp, check it out.

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"HYTWILIAN!"

"Hytwilian?"

"HYTWILIAN, GET IN HERE!"

The shouts kept coming and coming, each voice different then the last. I moaned at the fact that today was not going to be easy. If I saw that kid who gave them this freakin' cold, I'll kill him!

I rushed into the most dangerous person's room, first. "What do you need, _now?_" _Bloody Tri-Force of Power, my ass._

"The stupid re-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, the remote's missing. I told you to find it, last week!"

"Change the channel for me."

"Fine. Tell me when."

"No." I took off Greese.

"This?" I looked away from the bloody scene in 28 Days Later.

"It's the end, so, no."

"Damn. This?"

"Dear Din, no!"

Could I really blame him for not wanting to watch Hannah Montana? "This?"

"Fine."

I really should be more worried that he wants to watch something about Hitler. Poor Link would be in for it, next week.

"Have fun." I sighed. "Call me if you need anything, Ganondorf."

"Oh, I will."

I walked out of the room and leaned myself up against the wall, thinking about how much hell I'd be put through, today.

"Hytwilian!"

Forget about thinking, I was off to Midna's room. "What is it?"

"You said you were making soup for me...?" She gave me a grimace.

"When did I say that?"

"Fifteen minutes ago."

"Oh shit, I forgot to put it on. I am so sorry, can you wait a half an hour?"

Midna sighed dramatically, "Alright, I'll wait."

"Thank you!"

I rushed out of the room to go see if anyone else wanted soup. Why make more when I wouldn't need too? I peeked my head into Ganondorf's, where the villian was currently chuckling darkly at the program. My eyes widened a bit but I sighed when I remembered who I was dealing with. "Want any soup?"

"Yes."

"Alright, give me a half an hour."

"Hurry up!"

"Shut up!" I shot back as I walked out of the room. Next up...?

"HYTWILIAN!"

Veran.

"What is it?"

"The blankets are too thin!"

"Either that or you're too fat."

She glared at me about the comment. "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle black?"

"Watch it, Veran." I glared. "I was joking. Here." I opened up the closet and pulled out a thicker blanket. "How's that?"

"Fine."

"Want any soup?"

"No."

"Okay..." I walked out of that room and walked into Zelda's, one of the very few not complaining. "Zelda, need anything?"

She rubbed her sore throat and smiled slightly. "Glass of water?" Zelda managed to choke out.

"Sure thing, want any cough medicine and some soup?"

Two nods and I was out of the room and heading back with a pill and water, then walking back out into Zant's room.

"What is it, now, Zant?"

"The pillows aren't fluffy enough." The Usurper complained. "And Midna's TV's on too loud a-"

"Okay, I'll tell her to lower it a bit and here." I tossed him a pillow. "Use that."

He hugged the pillow and I sighed exasperated.

Sometimes, he could be such a little kid.

"Mid, can you lower that a bit?"

"I'm trying to piss Zant off."

"Yeah, well, it's working. Now lower it, I don't want to go back in there because of you." I walked back into Zant's room. "Alright, is that better?"

"Yes it is."

"Want any soup?"

He nodded excitedly and I began to wonder if he was just pretending to be sick so he could be like the others....meh, either way he would have been a pain in the ass.

With a tired sluggish pace, I walked into Dark and Shadow's room. "How's it going, you two?"

"I feel like I'm going to puke." Dark Link groaned.

"And I have a headache." Shadow Link pouted.

"Alright, I'll go get you a bucket-" I pointed at Dark and then Shadow "-and you a pill. Do you two want soup?"

"No."

"Yes."

Leave it to the two of them to disagree. "Be right back."

One bucket and pill later...

"What is it now, Veran?"

"This blanket's too thick."

"Oh dear god, do you ever stop complaining?" I grabbed out another blanket and stuffed the 'thick' one into the closet. "There."

"HYTWILIAN!"

"Why must he bother me?!" I ran out of the room and into Vaati's. "What is it?"

"I think I have a fever."

"Want me to grab the thermotor?"

"No, I want you to give me a cake. OF COURSE I WANT YOU TO CHECK MY TEMPERATURE!"

"No need to get so snippy!" I stomped out of the room and back in the termotor. "You have a slight fever."

"Get me a wet cloth, will you?"

"Do you want some soup?"

"Yes, now get that cloth!"

I swear to god, I'm going to kill one of them by the end of today!!!!!!!!

"Here's your stupid cloth, happy?"

"Very."

"I'l-"

"Hytwilian?"

"Oh, come on!"

I rushed out of the room and slumped against Malon's door. "Yes?"

"C-can I have some soup?"

"Give me..." I glanced at the clock on her wall. "Fifteen minutes?"

"Okay." She sneezed.

"Tissue?"

"No t-ACHOO!"

"Here." I handed the box to her.

"Thank you."

I saluted her as I walked into Ralis' room. "Yo, Ralis, how's it going?"

The Zora frowned. "Not too well, sadly. I went through my box of tissues."

"Oh, here you go." I handed him another box.

"...Have you been hanging around Link, a lot?" He glanced at the box.

"Yes but no, I didn't discover how he does that. I have a bunch of box's on my belt, see?" I pointed to the belt that had tissue boxes tied around it.

"What an odd invention."

"Thank you. Want any soup?"

"No thank you."

"Miss Hytwilian?"

"Oh shit." I then sprinted out of the room and into Ezlo's, praying to god that Vaati hadn't snuck in and hurt him for the fifth time this day. No matter how sick Vaati felt, he still found the strength to hurt his old master. Besides, that had been the only reason Ezlo had been calling me all day. I think he felt pity towards me, and normally, I'd be pissed at this fact, but today, hell no. "Oh, good, you're fine. What is it?"

"I hear Midna complaining about the lack of soup and it is starting to give me a migrane."

"Hehe, yeah about that...give me ten more minutes?" I smiled nervously and slid up against the hallway's door. Okay, only a few more people to check and then I'm in the clearing. Just N-

"Hytwilian!!!"

Urgh, I can't even list names! "Yes, Skull Kid?"

"I'm cold and the wolv-"

"I told you to stop calling me in here to quote things!" I glared at him. "IS there anything important that you have to share?"

"I feel tired and achey." Skull Kid whined.

"Aww..." It was hard to resist, I couldn't help it! "Why don't you get some sleep, sweetie-I er...Skull Kid. I'll get make you some soup."

"Yay! Will you watch Spongebob with me?"

"Not right now." I felt cozy and warm at the thought of sitting down on my nice new bed in blankets and watching TV...mmm that's a good thought.

"Aw man."

"Hytwilian, could you come here for a moment?"

I found myself slowly walking into Nayru's room, and no not Nayru the goddess, Nayru the singer. "Problem?"

She frowned. "My ear ache is getting worse."

"Oh, umm...fudge." I knew how much Nayru hated to hear me curse. It'd just upset her more and boy did I know I didn't need that! "Uh, I think we have some ear medicine or somethin' in the bathroom. I'll get you some, do you want some soup, by the way?"

"No thanks, I'm not really hungry."

"I'll get you a glass of water instead."

She hadn't had a big appetite for the past couple of days due to the cold and let me tell you, the internet really helps when you have a bunch of characters sick and complaining. So, after giving Nayru her medicine and water, I walked into one of the lesser complainers. Impa.

The Sheikah woman hated to be sick and felt pretty stupid for having to rely on a teenage girl to take care of her. Can you really blame her?

"Keep hanging in there, Impa." I smiled as I walked in. "So what's wrong?"

"My eyes are still burning..." She murmured.

"Wet cloth it is, then. Want any soup?"

Impa replied very reluctantly. "Yes..."

"Okay then!" I walked back in with the cloth and back out. One more room to go and then I'd be free for at least fifteen minutes!

"Hi, Link!" I chirped as I walked in. The minute I laid my eyes on him, though, I felt pretty bad for being so happy while the hero was sufering the evil wrath of a snotty nosed jackass who thought to come over and annoy me with his theories on how bad of a person I am....I seriously wish my parents would stop letting my brother see that kid. "You okay...?"

"Yeah, fdne." He sniffled. "Jsdt a snfdfed nose."

I represed the urge to giggle at the way his words came out. "You sure? I know you don't want to keep me running all over the place but it's fine. Exercise, right?"

"No I'm fdne."

"Alright, tell me what's wrong." I leaned down next to his bed and went to put my hand on his forehead.

Link jerked away and put his blankets over him. "I'm fdne, dod't worry!"

I stood up and began to tug on the blankets. "Let me feel your head!"

"I'm fdne!" He desperately tried to convince me.

"IF YOU DON'T LET ME FEEL YOUR HEAD, I'LL MAKE YOU, GANONDORF, VERAN, AND VAATI SHARE A ROOM!"

That got him to take the blanket off pretty damn quick.

"Jesus, Link, you're burning up! You need some ice and medicine!" I started to leave the room when he put his arms up in protest.

"See, thsdst's why I ddn't want to tedl you."

"Why, because I'm going to have to give you medicine or go through a little bit more work?"

"The ldter."

"Oh, don't worry about it. It's nothing too big a deal!" Five seconds or so, later, I came back in with a pack of ice and medicine. "Alright, read the directions and take this, alright? Don't drink the whole thing down like Skull Kid did the last time. Remember how much puke I had to clean up? It was not a good situation and if you want to help me out, don't do it. Keep the ice on your head and I'll be back with some soup, whether or not you want it."

So, finally able to make the soup, I whistled my way into the kitchen and grabbed out about four to five cans of Pregresso Chicken Noodle. What can I say? We don't like the cheap stuff. I flipped on my Mp3 player to drown out all of the coughing, sneezing, moaning, occasional calls of my last name, and perhaps vomitting sounds. Oh thank you, ABBA.

"Midna, so...up." I smiled down at the sleeping Twilight Princess who occasionally let out a small cough. With a shrug, I placed the spoon, napkin, and bowl of soup on the nightstand. She'd wake up and be very pleased to find that I actually did bother with it.

"Delivery for a Mister Power Crazed Ganondorf!" I knocked on the door to find him curled up with the remote. "You found it?"

"No, I've had it. I just wanted to fuck with you."

"You're an asshole." I set the bowl of soup, spoon, and napkin as far away from him. "Get up and grab it yourself."

I ignored his shouting as I walked into Zelda's room. "How's your throat?"

She shook her head as I handed her the bowl of soup.

"That bad?"

A nod.

"Well, this should help. Get some sleep after you have it, okay? It's better."

Alright, seven more people to go and then I can sit down! WAHOO!!!!

"Zant, here's your soup." I seriously wished I had rollerblades.

"Oh, yay." He grabbed the bowl and began to slurp it down before I even handed him the spoon.

"You're weird."

"No I'm not!"

I glanced at the TV that had some documentry on about dancing. "_Sure, you're not._"

I entered Shadow and Dark's room to smell the stench of puke...ill....

"Tossed the cookies?"

"It was really gross." Shadow cringed at the thought.

"Could you empty it out?" Dark muttered.

"You don't have to ask me twice. I'll get the Frabreeze while I'm at it." I handed Shadow his soup when I came back in with the empty bucket and air freshener. "There, all better, now."

Did I mention that I was going to kill someone today? "HYTWILIAN!"

Leave it to that jackass to start knocking on my door, now. "What is it?!" I opened the living room door in a fury.

"Is your brother home?"

"NO, GO HOME!" Just as I slammed the door in his face, I heard Vaati calling me. Kill me.

"What is it?"

"Where's that so-"

"Right here." I handed it over to him. "The parmessan is in it, just the way you like it. Will that be all, _master_?"

He smirked. "You're dismissed."

Alright, he's still fun to be around. The guy's so full of himself that you just find it hillarious. I walked out of the room laughing and into Malon's.

"What's so funny?" She sneezed. "I could use a joke."

"Oh, you know, Vaati. He just _dismissed_ me."

Malon giggled. "He's so silly." Another sneeze.

"Here's some soup, lover girl." The farmer blushed slightly. Let me just say two things. Vaati's a real flirt and Malon's a real hopeless romantic. But who am I to talk about being hopeless?

With the sneezing blurring in with the slurping noises, I walked down the hall and into Skull Kid's room where he sat up watching, you guessed it, Spongebob. Hey, he was a kid, and who didn't love Spongebob? Even the villians could get into it, even if they wouldn't admit it. I had caught them a couple of times, watching it by themselves and actually laughing-although it was a quiet laughter that they had tried to restrain.

"I thought I told you to get some sleep."

"I'm not sleepy." He shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "Alright, well here's your soup."

Two more people to go and thanfully they were the ones who rarely complained. I discovered that Impa was fast asleep and was called into Veran's room, to find she was starving. Well, it doesn't take a genius what to do with an extra bowl of soup. Besides, if Impa woke up wanting food, I'd just make another can. Besides, I'm pretty hungry, myself.

So, with one more bowl left, I walked into Link's room to see him in a cold sweat. The poor guy got the worst of this. Probably from the fact that his resistance is probably low from straining himself so much. That or the fact that he always tried to keep the kids from annoying us...

"Soup delivery for a Mr. Link." I grinned at my joke.

Link looked up from the DS Midna and I had gotten him for Christmas. His nose was less red then before and I felt a bit cheerful as this fact. At least he was getting better. "You didn't-"

"Oh shut it." I cut him off. "You need the food. I'm not going to let you go and warm up that damn soup Yeto made for you. I keep telling you to throw it out, it has to be spoiled at this point."

I shoved the bowl and spoon onto his lap. "Now eat the damn soup or the previous threat will come into play."

He gulped at the thought of three villians sleeping in the same room as him. Immediatly, the soup was being eatten.

"There you go. Well, have fun. I'm going to take a nap before anyone starts back up." I yawned.

"Alright, have a good sleep."

"Feel better." I found myself sluggishly walking towards the couch and plopping down. I was too tired to go upstairs and get into my bed. It'd take too much effort and time and then I'd have to check my email to make find out when my family was coming back from the vacation that I had told them to go on without me. Economy sucked and I couldn't force so much upon them...

So, I laid down on the couch, slowly falling asleep, when I felt a sneeze coming on, sore throat, itchy eyes, and a cough. "Oh fuc-"

**Two days later**

"Somebody!?!"

"It's your turn." Ganondorf handed Veran the box of tissues.

"No, it's Vaati's turn." Veran handed it over to him.

"I just made her soup not even an hour ago! It's Midna's turn."

"Actually, it's Zelda's."

"I thought it was Impa's."

"I checked on her not too long ago, I presumed it was Malon's."

"But I have to take care of her dog."

"I've got it." Link stood up.

"SHADOW!"

"Oh, why does he have to puke so much?" Shadow whined as he walked off to his room.

"How is everything, Hytwillian?"

The teenage girl moaned in pain. "I think I got what Dark got. Can I have a bucket."

"Sure thing."

"Thanks...oww...oh, and, hey, can you bring up Sweeney? I want to watch it."

"Anything else...?"

"Kill someone."

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A/N: ...I hate taking care of sick people. I mean, I love them but, it sucks. They always complain and you're on your feet twenty-four-seven! It sucks.

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